She was in the hospital. How did this happen? No, this can’t be. But the doctor keeps saying it. Why? How? What does this mean? She can't breath anymore,her heart not functioning. What about my heart? My life is suspended with her. Don’t the docs understand???
A white sheet. Who is this? Is this my mom? And I feel the tears drowning me. What do I do now? How do I change this? Is this the end of her fight, our fight to keep her alive? Has she left me? But we were in this together. We have lost.
I wake up today morning with a feeling of despair weighing me down into the depth of my bed sheet. I hold on tightly to my sis, sleeping beside me. It is only at this hour that I can plead protection from my sis, who I lovingly protect during the tyranny of daylight. I hold her and feel like a child again.
Every day,every moment, her absence in my life becomes daunting by her presence in my dreams. I wish not to recount the last thread of her life with us, but her memory haunts me. Soon, I get myself out from under the comfortable covers and look at the clock, It is 5.30 am. My mom and I would wake at an early hour like this and over a cup of tea, discuss on various things in the morning. Needless to say, none worked.
My morning routine remains unchanged, just without her now. I look at my sis as she sleeps and silently resolve to protect her, like I often do. The purpose of my life is now to become a support of my sis and being supported by my joker.I am now living for my Joker...who is there to support me in all my ups and downs.
Just recollected a busy day of my life.................
“Stop honking! It’s a bloody red light!” Jerk. Delhi traffic jams can be the true test of patience for anyone. Even Lord Rama in all his glory would at least think of giving drivers here the middle finger. But then again, he had the brahmastra… “Arey madam, green ho gayi!” I put the car in gear, accelerated and zoomed ahead, happy having proved myself as a worthy driver, leaving those drivers in the aftertaste of my exhaust. “If Rama had a brahmastra, I have you baby,” I said patting the stirring wheel of my cute little red riding hood,my alto. As if in response, my cell started buzzing. Mom calling flashed on the screen. “Surviving Delhi traffic is one thing, surviving Mom's phone calls, quite another,” I said to no one in particular. “Hi Mom. Ya, I am on my way back home. Ya, I got a little late today. Yes, Akki is home already. Of course there’s food at home, Mom! She’ll help herself. She doesn’t mind…Hang on. Cops.” And with that I put Mom on hold. Not that, that stopped her from talking. I could hear her monologue blaring from the phone. “Beta, you both should eat together. Hot food.Since, childhood only…hello, hello?” “Haan, Mamma, I am just about to reach home, can’t talk on the phone while driving, you know. Okay, bye.” Thank you, traffic rules.
Just when I increased the volume of my stereo, the phone rang again. Again Ma. Mere paas maa hain, I said to myself in the typical Amitabh Bachchan style and chuckled. “Ya Mamma, what’s up?” “Nothing Anu, just bit worried about you. … Are you driving?” “Ya Mom, will reach home soon. Was stuck at a traffic jam.”“Beta, you should reach home early,you know how i become tensed…” Wow. Do all mothers in the world go by a common script? “Ma, you are unbelievable,” I said half enraged and half amazed. “I’ll reach home soon…"It was at times like this that I missed Dad. He balanced everything out perfectly. He would console mom with soft words and me with compliments. I am his beta/beti both at times . When dad went overboard due to official work, Ma would give me the extra attention. In one of my last interactions with her at home, before she left us, I remember she had given me a five-hundred rupee note. No reason, just like that. And in one of the last few moments we had shared, she had told me to take care of Dad and Akki. “You are my beta na,” she had said and few weeks later, she was gone.
I wiped the growing droplet of water before it even left my eye and submerged myself in the music, as I increased the volume of the stereo. It didn’t matter what song played, as long as I couldn’t hear my own thoughts. There was no time to cry, in a life as busy as mine............
Before i depart i have to do many things,i have promised my Joker ,i will remain with him,we both will fill the vacuum of each other's life, will make my sis independent and my dad a proud father...........